blog assignment #4

If I had actually received an email like this I would have been upset. This was a very harsh email. Regardless if it was not Mr. Pyrzblo’s departments fault, he did not have to be so rude in his response. In revising this email the first thing I would do is not put the subject in all caps. The subject itself is screaming. “Incorrect payroll checks” sounds much better than “INCORRECT PAYROLL CHECKS”. The first sentence really sets the tone of the whole email. When he used the quotations around errors, he seemed to be very sarcastic. I feel this could have been left out. Instead he could have stated the first sentence like this: I have been analyzing the errors concerning the payroll checks in the computer files. This sounds very neutral and does not seem to lash out. In the first paragraph he pretty much does not hold back from saying that it is the other person’s fault. I think it would have been better if would have used different language to get his point across. He used the word “insinuated” and I feel this was a bad word to use. This comes across that he is completely innocent and that no blame is to be put on him whatsoever. I think he would have been more effective if he would have actually used evidence to make his claim. Simply saying that it is not his fault is not enough. I think he should have phrased it like this: After analyzing the computer files associated with 37 payroll checks, I have found that 35 of the  payroll checks have errors that have been made by the clerks. In this way he would be stating the truth without coming off too brash.

            He also goes into the fact the he does not have time to correct problems made by the clerks. I think he could have worded this better here too. For instance he could have stated: Due to time and money constraints my department is already facing, it is impossible for them to correct all of the errors that are sent to my department. I think this reads better. The last statement he made was not entirely bad. He could have said something to this effect: My department will work thoroughly to review and correct changes they see. However if your department would also be willing to thoroughly review their work before sending it to my department, I believe we would be able to solve the issues at hand. By working together we can overcome these mistakes for the betterment of the company.

            I think it is important when writing it is important to keep your tone in mind. In this email he did not do a good job. Ultimately he was trying to convince the other department that they needed to check their work more carefully. This may be true, but with the attitude that he presents he will not be able to win over anyone. So especially when you are asking something of someone or trying to persuade someone else, having a good tone is important.